Congrats to you and your husband! That it SO exciting! Must be overwhelming, huh? I can't believe that the VP offered you two weeks off paid. But I probably would have done the same as you did...I would have felt bad just leaving them stranded!

Good luck with your last two weeks and all that fun stuff :)

I'm so happy for you!  I know this is what you've been waiting for, and now you got it!

I wish I could move to a new place, new job...kinda start over somewhere else.  It's a scary thought, but damn I'm sick of where I am now...

there, now you are added so you can read my other diary (paperthin).

-Rebecca aka Mabekka aka paperthin

lol!!      ;)

i'm so excited for you!!!!!!!!!!!  i can feel the excitement in you just reading your words.  how fun to make such changes and to be able to kinda start over.

congrats to you both!!!!!

Thanks chick!!  I'm clinging to my water and green tea!!  I need to be strong now i feel!  although i'm going to the gym tonight so i will run there and then do a body pump class which burns alot of cals

[Teenieworld]

I hope today is better for you.  It sucks to wake up in a mood like that, hopefully you found something positive to turn things around!

I'm glad you said what you did about that movie, now I know never to watch it.  I'm sure I couldn't stand the cattle being slaughtered either, it would kill me. 

Keep your head up mischief!! 

don't beat yourself up for too long.  when we do that, we end up in the "i don't give a f#@*&" mood, and then we just eat bad or don't stick to our goals. 

hope today is a better day for you.

you are indeed very lucky to have such in-laws.  i shiver and run from just the "thought" of in-laws...as my luck with them has always been awful.  i'm glad you are so blessed!

sounds like you are doing great with the diet and exercise...keep it up.  and remember a slip up, is just a slip up....long as you get back on the wagon afterwards.

good for you for getting up to work out!!  and i think it's good that you aren't gonna skip a meal...it's better not to.  i wonder if you are even getting enough from the meals that you are already eating (not counting the binges).  so many people think that taking it the least amount of calories is what works....but it's not the best way.  be careful.

and by the way...i'd kill to weigh to 119...lol.

my messurements are

bust-41.5

waist-28.5

hips-35.5

thighs-21

i use to be-36-26-34, i weighed 125 then. i now weigh 145[yikes]

my goal messurements are-35/36-24-32, my little sisters are bigger then that, she's 10,4'11, 91lbs, and not fat at all[she's black, big thighs] 30-26-33 thighs 21.

i think you're doing great! keep up the good work.

stay strong starve on-fadingobsession

thanks. i wish i had more strength, i don't feel very strong. but thank you.

congrats on the weight loss keep it up.

stay strong starve on-fadingobsession

[fadingobsession]

Oh sux about the traffic!  It can make you very angry huh!!

[Teenieworld]

two day hangovers...ugh.  i remember those, but thankfully haven't experienced one in like 20 years...lol.

cheers to motivation for reaching goals!!

I did...have a good time last night I mean! 

So...how do you feel today? 

I also agree with the last comment, how are you typing this whole thing drunk, with no typos and even the punctuation is good?

damn....you type good for being drunk!!!!!  lol.

don't think of it as selling out.  your life just took a different path for the time being.  things work out the way they are supposed to.

hope you weren't too hung over for your class....lol.

i love how little your waist is.

mine were

bust-41.5
waist-29
hips-35.5

i wish they were

bust-36[thinking relistically. i'd like to be 34, but it won't happen, i'm a 35 around my rib cage under my boobs, so i'd say 36 will have to do,lol]

waist-24, idk, it's perfect 22 would be evn better

32 hips......

maybe it's do-able.

my hubby and i have brought a girl into bed befor;) twas amazing

Wow...we have a lot more in common than I thought! 

I hate my measurements, am addicted to reality TV, loved RW SF with Puck and Pedro, am bi-sexual but because I love dick so much, I can only be with women as a kinda add-on to the fun...I could never be satisfied in a lesbian relationship.  Hahaha I swear I could have written this entry!

I know what you mean about the holidays. It's all become too materialized and commercial. Everything is about what gifts you get and give. I just want it to be like it was back when my mom was a kid in the old home videos of her family. Everyone related to them came over for a big feast. They sang Christmas songs, and spent time together. The only gifts were for the ones for the children, and there weren't many of them because they wanted to reinforce family values. That's what I want my Christmas to be like....

I'm sorry yours and your sister's past was so aweful. I hope things now are much better than they were. At least you both found closure that you needed. Perhaps someday we'll both get the Christmases we wish for.

MORE SNOW? Ick...When?

Youch! I just read your prior entry to work out what you did. Hope it's better soon...but rest it so you get better.

Im sorry things don't sound all that good for you, you sound a bit unhappy, hope u feel better soon.

Thanks for your kind comment in mdd x

You're not alone...I've done that before with cookie dough.

OUCH! That looks painful, and I'm sure this picture is after it's healed a day or two? Hopefully it's better soon!

Im glad you have only written 2 entries since I was last here, doesn't make me feel so bad.

[Susans]

Oh God, that hurts me just reading about your hand...I've always been scared to death of those slicer things, I just know I'd maim myself.

I'm glad you had a good vacation, don't worry about gaining a little weight, that's what supposed to happen when you're off having a good time!

Have a great time!

Wow, sounds like you have all kinds of excitement to look forward to.  Lucky you...

Have fun! 

thank you hun =] yeh have done well today. fruit for breakfast. salad for lunch. its just a diet i spose. idk. but i lok thinner already since last wk i can tell n someone mentioned it today. weird isnt it? haha.

good luck! dont worry1 burrito isnt nightmare city. and u worked out!! good job hun <3

gettin gout of paying fines always makes me happy- well done!

[georgstasi]

Sorry it's been awhile since I have been on line. In  response to your last comment, I'm sure you do have an ED, a bad relationship with food = an ed in my opinion. It may not be anorexia or bulimia, it could be ED-NOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) which means you may have a range of difficulties that don't specifically fit into any catagory.

I doubt I will be able to catch up on everyones entries but will try and read the last few and update my own. Its been very busy for me.

I love Mexican! I hope you get out of your ticket! It's just the 'man' trying to keep us down...

i am so glad that the margaritas made up for the lousy lunch...lol.

and a little birthday sex never hurt anyone!!!

lol

Thank you for your advice. I think that really, anyone who reads my diary already knows more about me, than most of the people who I encounter on a daily basis!

I am thinking in the direction of people with disabilities, for sure. I don't know about opening another home. It's a 24/7 commitment. I don't think I want to do that to my daughter, again. When she's older,  maybe. But- that path could start here and end there. Who knows?

i love how i love him too.  and honestly, i didn't know i was capable of this.  it took the "WAY HE LOVES ME" to make me finally feel safe enough to let go of what i have inside me and give it.  and honestly again....it still shocks me sometimes that i am the way i am with him...lol.  it's such a "free" feeling.

how were the margaritas last nite?

Ugh, LIT's--I was forced into drinking one last Sunday.  Gross.  I used to drink them so much but now I can't stand that much sugar.

I love, love, love Mexican food.  Love it.  My favorite place knows me by name.

Oh God, be glad you didn't get a buzz and have to go back to work.  I used to do that all the time, when I was a collector.  It was fun at first, but when the buzz wore off, OMG, I just wanted to take a nap.  At least I didn't have to worry about smelling like beer though, since I was drinking at lunch with my bosses! 

Trust me, I didn't feel like a champ...and you know I was still drunk when I got here hahaha   Oh well, I've done it a million times, and I'm sure that wasn't the last!

I never finished 1408, but I will since I still have it.  I'm picky about movies too, especially when I've already read the book, and I've already read that one.  I can't stand it when I loved the book (or short story in this case), and the movie is totally different....bugs the sh*t outta me!

you are welcome.  and it feels so much better to concentrate on the positive, even if it's not always easy.  at least if we fight it...and win, we can be proud of ourselves as well...for getting thru something, you know?

your first paragraph in this entry is something i've said for the years i've had this journal.  it's like sitting down in the morning, to have coffee with friends, and i look very forward to it. 

I feel the same way towards those who I have listed on my favorites list and who comment me as well. I don't really have any female friends up here in mass other than the ones I work with, but that's where it ends. In Florida I at least had a few, and could go to my mom's for tea, long walks, and coffee to talk.

I've had my diary since 2003. A lot of my readers have been with me since then, and we've formed some good friendships online. It seems odd, but these girls mean a lot to me.

Good luck in the career  change, I'm sure you'll find something that you're happy with!

Brightest Blessings,
Deirdre

I have the exact same job as you...and I agree, humans are not made for this sh*t.  I'd love to make a career change too, but unlike you, I have absolutely no idea what I'd like to be doing...so for now I'm stuck kissing ass in corporate america.  Yuck.

Nice to see you so positive, in such a good mood.  I hope you and your man have a great time tonight, even with the studying.

what an upbeat, positive entry.

hope you enjoy whatever you do for his birthday tonite

That's the great thing about a journal/diary. You can make it for whatever reason you want, and in the end, even if the reasons don't turn out the way you want them to, you can keep writing about anything you wish. I've held onto this diary for over 3 years. The course of it has changed a lot over that amount of time.

You'll be fine with whatever you choose, and we'll still be here for you.

Brightest Blessings,
Deirdre.

you are focusing way too much on this.  just live each day and eat when you are hungry.  enjoy your food rather than feeling guilty about it. 

fasting is just a way to make your body store fat, because you aren't feeding it anything else.  it doesn't do what you think it does.  stuff yourself with fruits and veggies.  eat things high in fiber...they make you feel full longer so that you eat less often.  put GOOD things in your body....and then you can eat as much of them as you like. 

research foods with nutritional value.  some of them actually help you lose weight while you eat. 

good luck....hope you feel calmer and healthier soon.

I think you over calculated the calories

Why not relax, stop giving yourself deadlines you cannot make regarding weightloss and look at a longer term program?

hey....jus mke sure u exercise 2day nd yea....eat normally not too much nd not to less....u eat da rite amount f food....try not 2 go overboard wid da diet thing....

<33

excersize. swimming is the best but starving yourself will not work trust me. just excersize as much as you can even as much as walking instead of taking a bus or doing the stairs instead of a lift eat loads ov veg and fruit and not only will you look thinner you will feel better x

That is some good information :) My problem is somewhat of a binging thing, too. I'm trying to do the eating small portions...ehh.

Food sucks.

Ah, I feel your pain. I'm the same way. I lost 25 lbs over the summer, and now I feel like I'm just gaining it all back again.

Don't worry. I'm sure you'll find your middle ground.

[DontChaseBoys]

Yeah, with the blood sugar levels you don't want to fast because it will mess with you horribly. Mine dropped once during a liquid fast while I was at work and I was taken to an Er after almost passing out. Try a fruit fast though. You'd be having about 6-8 pieces of fruit throughout the day. Apple, banana, orange, grapefruit, kiwi, etc. You'll be getting needed vitamins, plus natural sugar to keep you going. Not to mention they are all healthy negative caloric (takes more calories to burn them off than what you consume) foods.

Foxwoods in CT. Amazing place. I love it there. We play roulette (red/black, odd/even only), and poker there about once or twice a month since it is 2 hours away.

Hope you're guy's birthday goes great! My baby's b-day is Friday.

My job is an Ed trap as well. A real Ana and Mia nightmare. Everything they sell at the food court is greasy, fried, fatning, or worse. Rarely can I ever manage the fat tubby lazy lady to get off her ass an make me a salad instead. She actually told me once that she didn't have stuff to make it. I asked what she was missing, she said cucumbers...I was like, "Ok, then, can I have a plate of lettuce, tomatoes, onion, peppers, and no cucumbers and lets try this crazy idea of calling it a salad..." She wasn't too happy, but made it.

Good luck with everything, and I included some dream interpretations from Dreammood.com. Hope it helps!

Dream Interpretation Guide:

^{"I'm Being Chased"}

<sup>Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it.?Ask yourself who is the one chasing you and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.?

One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.

A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.?</sup>

^{Wrist
To notice your wrist in your dream, represents your ability to bring about fun/excitement and productivity at the same time. You are able to grab the attention of others and get them involved.} 

^{Healing
To dream of healing, represents your need for emotional and/or physical healing. You need to find the power to rectify and care for the matters in your life.}

my jobs like that too. i hate it....

stay strong-starve on

-FadingObsession

I'm with you...I know how you're feeling. Sometimes I look at myself and think "Oh I'm not that bad." And then I look at pictures like those two pretty girls that you posted...and my self esteem just goes down hill from there.

I went to Applebee's and I got a salad and at the table across from there was a skinny skinny girl who got an appetizer thing, a cup of soup, and a sandwich...and there I was...a girl who was WISHING she was that thin...eating a salad. It sucked.

Not that anything that I've said has helped...but just thought I'd let you know that you're not the only one who is overwhelmed with food.

maybe make an appointment to see someone, before this becomes a real problem?  from what i know about this issue (and i had my own short stint with making myself throw up when i was teen), you cross a line from being thin and in control, to being sick and out of control really fast and easy.  and then it's very hard to get healthy again.

be very careful.  i'm wishing the best for you.  i don't think you are f***ed up.  you are acknowledging an issue that you need to be very careful with.  "control" won't be in getting too thin.  control will be in not letting these irrational thoughts become you.

Im not sure how much I have shared with you, I haven't been following your diary that long, but I recovered from a 12 year eating disorder when I was around 22/23 (can't pinpoint the exact time in which I was recovered, it was a process) and I spent 6 mths in hospital with it when I was 21/22.

I have all sorts of problems now at 35 because of the low body weight I maintained for so long.

It's more common to come across the younger ones with ed's but when I was in hospital I found there were older people staying in there also and had battled eating disorders nearly their entire lives.

It's not worth it. How can I help you?

xxx

OK yes i agree the first pic is SICKENING...BUT even the other pics THOSE GIRLS ARE WAY TOO BONY!

I know how you feel...when i get depressed I want to eat a lot...but then at times i dcant eat anything!

My eating habits are weird! I think you should see a doctor about this..

lol...sorry have to giggle...

we all have those days.  don't hate yourself.

I hate feeling like I'm on the verge of crying all day. I hope you feel better soon!
Nope, none were of me, I'm not good enough to be someones thinspo yet. I've posted a couple pictures of me though if you're curious, they are a few entries back.

I know what you're feeling, and I also know that it's no fun. Sounds like you're having one of those days when it feels like if one thing is wrong or going wrong...why not everything else? I know that feeling down is a part of life...but why does it have to be? It sucks.

Hope your day starts to look up <3

haha, your halloween sounds so fun :) I'm glad that you were able to roast pumpkin seeds, they're fun :D

Happy halloween :D

again...awesome on two days down.  i've got to get my butt in gear on this quitting.  you are making me think about it...that's "soemthing".

happy halloween....enjoy whatever you will be doing.

wow that line about living to disappointment yourself....

that's powerful.  i just went off in another journal on friday, about self sabotage and not understanding it.

mind if i follow you trying to quit smoking?

Yes I have seen that movie and that is exactly what I am talking about...... but maybe it falls to one of those "only in Hollywood" type moments.... :)

-mib

I loved the comment you left for skinnyzaria and I wanted you as a favourite. I am encouraging her to go semi private so we can still read her diary but the idiots who are making stupid comments, can't access it. Honestly, it's the last thing she needs.

I want to read your diary when time permits but I have read todays entry, there is something about you I like, you are using positive self talk which is great.

Make sure you do some of that, smile, straighten up, take a deep breath and face the world, you can do it,

your new friend,

Susans,

(by the way I am 34, married with a son, and work in a school with special needs children, I live in Australia, thats the basics about me)

I came across your diary after logging on the other day and found it interesting, so decided to read your new entries. Hope that's okay :) I'm sorry that you had a bad day...don't you hate it when someone just doesn't catch on that you want to bicker a little? Sometimes it's probably best, like in your case, when they know you so well that they won't give in.

Hoping you have a better day today :)

Maybe this is just a bad day, and tomorrow it will be easier.

Good luck!

I was reading some of your past entries today, and thought I'd comment on this one. 

6th grade does seem a little young...but how do you draw the line?  I guess I can think of this from two opposite points of view.

1.  My daughter is 15, if she was on the pill without my knowledge, I'd be pissed.

2.  I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 15.  I had asked for birth control, my mom got pissed and grounded me from my boyfriend. 

You can see how well that worked! 

Kid's are a gamble. It changes your whole world. If you like your world the way it is... that's just fine. I think that the 'world' tells women that you should feel empty w/o children. That's bullsh*t. Having kid's can be great, and having kid's can be a nightmare. It's taking on an additional human life to be responsible for. And you will screw up, no matter what. You just try not to screw up too badly. It just has to be your choice.

Congratulations on quitting smoking! That's great. Sorry about snotty nose and crusty eyes! Looking great later, has it's cost now, huh? Hope you make it to New Orleans!

i know we're all under the same sky
but that description was just what saw on the bus coming home this afternoon

funny how two different countries can have the same weather.

Hi, thanks for the comment on my diary.

You have got a very interesting life from what i've just read, i know what you mean about the smoking tho because i quite smoking 4 days ago.

have a great weekend